ComedyCollective Writers Project
Kim Morrissey

BILL CLINTON SKETCHES -
Written by Lee Barnett "Budgie" and Kim Morrissey.
Broadcast on BBC's Radio 4 WeekEnding  (national, weekly) and the BBC World Service programme "Two Cheers" (international, monthly).


Autmumn 1993
Producer: Gareth Edwards

CLINTON - HAITI  
(written by Lee Barnett and Kim Morrissey)

1. GRAMS "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"

2. CLINTON : Well, boys, what's the situation with Hi-ate-ee?

3. ADVISOR 1  (WOMAN): Excuse me, Mr. President. I think that's pronounced "High-ti ... as in "High"

4. ADVISOR 2  (WOMAN):  Actually, Mr. President, I think you'll find it's pronounced "Hate-ti" as in "hate"

5. CLINTON:  Gosh darn, I don't give a damn how you pronounce it, what's happening to our men?

6. ADVISOR 1:  Well, it's not looking good. Two hundred of our men are being held off by sixteen hundred armed troops.

7. CLINTON:  So, you think we should use nucular weapons?

8. ADVISOR 1:  Excuse me, Mr. President. I think you mean "nuclear"

9. CLINTON Do I?

(Page 2)

1. ADVISOR 2:  No, no, of course not.

2. ADVISOR 1:  Certainly not.

3. ADVISOR 2:  After all, after Somalia, Nicaragua and the Gulf, the last thing we need is to spoil our image as the world's peacemaker.

4. GRAMS "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"

ENDS


Autmumn 1993
Producer: Gareth Edwards

CLINTON -  WE ALL HAVE OUR HEROES  
(written by Lee Barnett and Kim Morrissey)

1. GRAMS "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"

2. CLINTON : OK, people, what's new with Haiti?

3. ADVISOR 1:  Well, there is some good news, Mr President. France, Canada and Britain have all sent war ships armed to the hilt to support us in our peacekeeping role. And Norway has agreed to send a ship in principle.

4. CLINTON : Norway. They're the good guys, aren't they? Didn't they help us with that there Israeli/ Palestinian Peace Deal?

5. ADVISOR 1:  That's right, Mr President. That helped your popularity. Maybe this will as well.

6. ADVISOR 2:  Not accordin’ to the opinion polls. If only we had some sort of historical precedent. Some sort of American Hero who’d saved the island before....

7. ADVISOR 1:  Wait! Now, didn't Kennedy...

8. FX CHORUS OF ANGELS "HALLELUJAH"

9. ADVISOR 2 : Yeah! He sent boats down there in '63.

(Page 2)

1. ADVISOR  1: And he was the most popular president we’ve ever had.

2. CLINTON: Kennedy!

3. FX CHORUS OF ANGELS "HALLELUJAH"

4. CLINTON:  That’s the ticket. What else did he do foreign policy-wise?

5. ADVISOR 2: Hmm. Let’s see. Bay of Pigs, Vietnam .... Not promising, Mr President.

6. ADVISOR 1: Well, let’s look at his home policies then.

7. CLINTON: Yes, gosh darn it, there must be something I can do to raise my popularity at home.

8. ADVISOR 1: Well, there's always a presidential visit to Dallas...

ENDS


1994
Producer: Gareth Edwards

CLINTON  - FREE TRADE OFF
(written by Lee Barnett and Kim Morrissey)

1. GRAMS "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" UP AND OUT

2. CLINTON :Gosh darn it, I don't get it. Why are we having all this trouble getting this here NAFTA Free Trade agreement through Congress?

3. ADVISOR 1: Well, Mr. President, Canada doesn't like it; they say it's like being raped and having to pay for it.

4. CLINTON:  Whew, that's pretty strong language.

5. ADVISOR 2: Yes, Sir, and the Mexicans don't like it either. They say we're exploiting their resources and cheap manual labour.

6. CLINTON: Well, OK, I can see why the Canadians don't like it and why the Mexicans hate it. But the Americans love it, don't they?

7. ADVISOR 1: Er, no, actually, sir. They're worried about losing their jobs when the factories move down to Mexico.

8. ADVISOR 2: And that's making you very unpopular with the voters, Mr President. You've already dropped in the polls.

9. CLINTON : Well, after all that, why do I want Free Trade?

(Page 2)

1. ADVISOR 2:  Well, Sir. Mexico has 20 billion barrels of oil, and Canada has 8 billion barrels, plus unlimited natural resources, all of which are now at our disposal.

2. CLINTON: And that's good?

3. ADVISOR 1 :Yes, Mr President, that's good.

4. ADVISOR 2: That's very, very, very good, Mr President.

5. CLINTON: Tell me this then. If it's so good, how come I had such problems getting it passed? After all, I had four ex-Presidents on my side, all of the Cabinet, four ex-Secretaries of State and all the American Economics Nobel Prize Winners. And Al Gore. So who's opposing it?

6. ADVISOR 1: Only the Democrats, Mr President, only the Democrats.

7. CLINTON: Oh ...them.

8. GRAMS "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" UP AND OUT

ENDS

from BBC Radio 4's WeekEnding


ComedyCollective Writers Project
Kim Morrissey