ComedyCollective Writers Project
Ivan Shakespeare

PAY EXPLOSION
(Broadcast on WeekEnding, BBC Radio 4, 1994)

1. FX: HEAVY MACHINERY, SOUNDS OF EXERTION (UNDER)

2. WOMAN: Hello. I'm here outside British Gas Headquarters, where a crack team of emergency workers are desperately trying to bring Gas Chief Cedric Brown's salary under control. I'm speaking to their foreman now.

3. FOREMAN: It's an uphill task, I'm afraid. It's such an intricate rolling contract, even if we stopped the explosion now, it would be two years down the road before the flow stops.

4. WOMAN: So what's the problem? A productivity clause?

5, FOREMAN: No, we haven't seen one of them for years, not in a salary of this magnitude. No, it's what we call 'self-perpetuating' in the trade - the salary is confirmed by Mr. Brown's executive directors, and he in turn appoints them, and so on.

6. WOMAN: But isn't there ANYTHING you can do?

PAGE 2

1. FOREMAN: Fortunately, Britain has some of the finest salary-suppressing technology in the world. There's this...

2. FX: AMBULANCE SIREN, THEN CARDIAC BLEEP

3. WOMAN: What does that do?

4. FOREMAN: It smothers payrises by diverting them into the pockets of nurses.

5. WOMAN: Ingenious.

6. FOREMAN: Then there's this...

7. FX: SCHOOL BELL, THEN CHALK ON BLACKBOARD

8. FOREMAN: ...which works by persuading the payrise that it should be spent on educational equipment instead. Unfortunately, for that to work, we'd need to get close enough to Mr. Brown to throw an old sports-coat with leather elbow-patches over him.

PAGE 3

1. WOMAN: I'll have to stop you there because word is coming out that Mr. Brown is, quote, considering his options...

2. FOREMAN: Options! Oh my God, not shares! (Fading out) This is a job for Superbroker! Get on to Ford Open Prison, tell them to send their dodgiest Pension Plan salesman right NOW.....

(ENDS)


All rights reserved by The Ivan Shakespeare Estate . For inquiries about Ivan's  work, please contact his widow Elspeth MacLean through the Writers Guild.

ComedyCollective Writers Project
Ivan Shakespeare