ComedyCollective Writers Project
Ivan Shakespeare

One-liners
Broadcast on Bremner, Bird and Fortune (Channel 4 TV)

5 December 1999 Show 8

RORY: Another backdown on plans for the Tube meant that Frank Dobson didn't have to support privatisation after all. (DOBSON VOICE) I just don't know what to think these days. Tony keeps changing my mind.

RORY: EU Finance Ministers met, and Gordon Brown vetoed a withholding tax. (BROWN VOICE) I just AVOIDED the issue of cracking down on tax cheats, I haven't EVADED it - worse luck.

RORY: Bill Clinton, as an old protester himself, no doubt had some advice for the protesters outside the WTO in Seattle. (CLINTON VOICE) CS gas is fine - so long as you don't inhale.

28 November 1999 Show 7

RORY: It's only a week since Labour were on the ropes over the London Mayor. (BLAIR VOICE) Yes - doesn't time fly when you're having fun?

RORY: The Tories accused Labour of a dirty tricks campaign against them. (BLAIR VOICE) We've got better things to do - such as our dirty tricks campaign against Ken Livingstone.

RORY: Scientists have discovered parts of the Universe where Time travels backwards. (HAGUE VOICE) Show me - I want to go back to last week.

21 November 1999 Show 6

RORY: Weapons were smuggled through Edinburgh airport. (ROBIN COOK) I once smuggled my secret weapons through - my charm and personality - and no-one noticed!

14 November 1999 Show 5

RORY: There's to be a crackdown on the black economy. (BROWN VOICE) I want it to be a completely Brown economy.

BROWN'S PRE-BUDGET SPEECH

(BROWN VOICE) The over-75s will get free television licenses – they just have to put in an application, countersigned by both parents.

7 November 1999 Show 4

RORY: Following yet another workplace shooting in America, the National Rifle Association calls for a complete ban on workplaces.

RORY: Mika Hakkinen won the Formula One title again. (MURRAY WALKER VOICE) And unless I am very much mistaken, that means British driver Eddie Irvine is once again Irish.

31 October 1999 Show 3

(GORDON BROWN VOICE) We're going to lease cheap computers to the poor, to show Information Technology is for us all. They get the Technology, we keep the information.

24 October 1999 Show 2

RORY: Tesco are to create 2,000 jobs in deprived areas. That is, places where you have to go shopping at Tescoes.

17 October 1999 Show 1

about MO MOWLAM:

RORY: She reminds me of Claire Raynor. (CLARE RAYNOR VOICE) Alan, I want you to go on The Today programme for me love, and explain why waiting lists have doubled. I know it's difficult love, I've been there, but will you, will you do that for me love?

about PETER MANDELSON:

RORY: Peter Mandelson's in charge of Northern Ireland. Relations with the Unionists are improving already. (IAN PAISLEY VOICE) I've got nothing against the big Jesse. We Unionists are not homophobic. Just MO-phobic.


All rights reserved by The Ivan Shakespeare Estate . For inquiries about Ivan's  work, please contact his widow Elspeth MacLean through the Writers Guild.


ComedyCollective Writers Project
Ivan Shakespeare