LIVING LEG-END
(Broadcast on The News Hudd-Lines, BBC Radio 2, 1993)

Cast:

Roy Hudd
Chris Emmett

ROY: Well folks, did you read about the bloke who left his spare leg behind after staying in a hotel? The prices some of them charge, he's lucky he didn't have to leave an arm as well. Huddlines followed in his footstep as he went to get it back.

FX: STOMP OF WOODEN LEG, TING OF BELL

CHRIS: Hello, De Vere Hotel, can I help you?

ROY: Yes, I've come for me leg.

CHRIS: Your leg?

ROY: Me leg.

CHRIS: What leg?

ROY: Me leg what I left.

CHRIS: Your leg what you left?

ROY: Me leg what I left.

CHRIS: You left?

ROY: No, me right.

CHRIS: Your right?

ROY: I know I'm right.

CHRIS: I think we'd better start again. Now, you left your right leg?

ROY: That's right, it was left. In me room I think.

CHRIS: In your room?

ROY: When I left.

CHRIS: Hmmm. This limb - not wrapped in a pair of bathtowels was it?

ROY: No, why?

CHRIS: We've had a couple gone for a walk recently.

ROY: Well, don't expect me to foot the bill. But somebody should stump up.

CHRIS: That's right.

ROY: Oh, don't start that again.

CHRIS: I'm sorry sir. I think I know where your leg is – walk this way.

ROY: I thought I'd have to sooner or later.

FX: FOOTSTEPS FOLLOWED BY STOMPING

CHRIS: Here you are. Here's your leg.

ROY: Me leg?

CHRIS: Yes, your leg. And don't say that's not right.

ROY: But it's not. This is a left, it's me right that I left.

CHRIS: I'm sorry sir. Nothing seems to be going right.

ROY: No, I think it's time I left.

CHRIS: Shall I call you a taxi?

ROY: No, I'll hop on a bus.

BAND: STING

(ENDS)

All rights reserved by The Ivan Shakespeare Estate . For inquiries about Ivan's  work, please contact his widow Elspeth MacLean through the Writers Guild.