ComedyCollective Writers Project
John Random


by John Random

March/April 99

V/O: And now it's time for our weekly look at some Middle Class Wankers. This week - Nick and Sophie from Islington are wanking on with Nick and Sophie from Barnes.

NICK 1: Oh, well I mean wank wank wank.

SOPHIE 1: Oh, absolute wank, I agree. Wank wank wank Captain Corelli's wank Mandolin wank.

NICK 2: Yes, but you see wank wank wank dumbing-down wank.

SOPHIE 2: Well, that’s the thing. I mean, if there was a wankable comprehensive within wanking distance, of course we'd send Wanker there, but…

ALL: Wank, wank, wank wank.

SOPHIE 1: Did you know that Nigel and Sasha wank wank wank house prices wank?

SOPHIE 2: Really? Wank wank wank lifestyle-section must come round and have a wank in our bathroom some time. We’re having it re-wanked in terracotta…

NICK 2: With little wankers stencilled all round the wank-wank…

NICK 1: Well, of course Wanking is the new wanking, isn’t it? Did you see that Wanker on Channel 4?

SOPHIE 2: I say, this wank’s delicious. Did you wank it yourself or is it one of Delia’s wanks?

SOPHIE 1: It’s one of Delia’s wank wank aubergine wank wank pesto wank wank wankfish…

SOPHIE 2: Oh, reeeally? The wanking list for OUR gym is two years. Costs an arm and a wank, not that I ever go. I’m too busy wanking during the wank and the wankends I just toss around the house.

NICK 2: No, come on. We went for a long wank-end in Tuscany, Barcelona, Bruges just the other wank and don’t forget Sophie’s hen-wankend in New York.

ALL: Oh, Wank wank wank.

SOPHIE 1: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. How rude of me. I haven’t wanked on about house prices for at least five minutes.

ALL: Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank sold it for an absolute shitload...

NICK 1: Did you see that wanker on Channel 4?

SOPHIE 2: Was he really? Well, thank you for a lovely wank.

SOPHIE 1: Wank wank wank. You must come over us again some time.

ALL: Thanks a lot, wanks a lot, thanks a lot.


NICK 1: What a pair of Mark Lamarrs.

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ComedyCollective Writers Project
John Random