ComedyCollective Writers Project
John Random

SURLY COPPERS

THINK BURNSIDE, THINK THE VICE, THINK OF ALL THOSE BRITISH COP SHOWS FEATURING MEAN AND MOODY MIDDLE-AGED COPPERS.

PLAY IT STRAIGHT. NOBODY REACTS TO ANYTHING AS IF IT WERE ODD.

JACK IS LOOKING AT THE CORPSE WHEN SIDEBURN ENTERS.

SIDEBURN: Jack.

JACK: Sideburn.

SIDEBURN: I got here in as a foul a mood as I could.
Right, what's the gen?

JACK: The body was found in dense underpants by a man walking a dog.

SIDEBURN: Do we know the M.O?

JACK: We think he used a leash and a collar.

SIDEBURN: Comedian, eh? (HE MEANS THE DOG WALKER, NOT JACK.) And it was wrapped in a carpet, right?

JACK: That's right. Cocker spaniel - completely covered in axminster.

SIDEBURN: Have socco seen him yet?

JACK: Obbo and socco have been here since three. We're still waiting for Godot.

ENTER PAXMAN.

PAXMAN: Sir?

SIDEBURN: What is it, Paxman?

PAXMAN: I've got the chief on the line, Forensic on the blower and Max on the big, white hairdryer.

SIDEBURN: Christ, why do I always get these arseholes on my back?

PAXMAN AND JACK BOTH HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT HIS BACK TO CHECK FOR ARSEHOLES.

SIDEBURN: Tell them I've far too surly to talk right now. Right. (REFERRING TO THE CORPSE) What do we know about Laughing Boy, 'ere.

JACK: I  'ad a word with his bird. He used to ponce for a nonce.

SIDEBURN: Has he got Form?

JACK : He's got Form, he's Previous and we're just checkin' to to see if he's got Rhythm.

SIDEBURN: Oh, the dog's pyjamas, eh.

JACK: He's done bird, he's done porridge, he's done coco-pops and he's had three months muesli in Parkhurst.

SIDEBURN: Right ... Paxman. Acronyms. I need more acronyms a.s.a.p. Jamiroquai. You're in charge of police jargon. Get down to D.I.5. I want top sherbet on flobalob. Now!

JACK: Yessir.

SIDEBURN: And Jamiroquai.

JACK: Yes sir?

SIDEBURN: If I'm not in a scene of completely gratuitous lap dancing in the next thirty seconds, I'll have your arse in a kebab. Right, where's that sod of a blackout?

BLACKOUT


to contact John Random about these, or any other sketches, please e-mail random@dial.pipex.com


Comedy Collective Writers Project
John Random