THINK BURNSIDE, THINK THE VICE, THINK OF ALL THOSE BRITISH COP SHOWS FEATURING MEAN AND MOODY MIDDLE-AGED COPPERS.
PLAY IT STRAIGHT. NOBODY REACTS TO ANYTHING AS IF IT WERE ODD.
JACK IS LOOKING AT THE CORPSE WHEN SIDEBURN ENTERS.
SIDEBURN: I got here in as a foul a mood as I could.
JACK: The body was found in dense underpants by a man walking a dog.
SIDEBURN: Do we know the M.O?
JACK: We think he used a leash and a collar.
SIDEBURN: Comedian, eh? (HE MEANS THE DOG WALKER, NOT JACK.) And it was wrapped in a carpet, right?
JACK: That's right. Cocker spaniel - completely covered in axminster.
SIDEBURN: Have socco seen him yet?
JACK: Obbo and socco have been here since three. We're still waiting for Godot.
SIDEBURN: What is it, Paxman?
PAXMAN: I've got the chief on the line, Forensic on the blower and Max on the big, white hairdryer.
SIDEBURN: Christ, why do I always get these arseholes on my back?
PAXMAN AND JACK BOTH HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT HIS BACK TO CHECK FOR ARSEHOLES.
SIDEBURN: Tell them I've far too surly to talk right now. Right. (REFERRING TO THE CORPSE) What do we know about Laughing Boy, 'ere.
JACK: I 'ad a word with his bird. He used to ponce for a nonce.
SIDEBURN: Has he got Form?
JACK : He's got Form, he's Previous and we're just checkin' to to see if he's got Rhythm.
SIDEBURN: Oh, the dog's pyjamas, eh.
JACK: He's done bird, he's done porridge, he's done coco-pops and he's had three months muesli in Parkhurst.
SIDEBURN: Right ... Paxman. Acronyms. I need more acronyms a.s.a.p. Jamiroquai. You're in charge of police jargon. Get down to D.I.5. I want top sherbet on flobalob. Now!
SIDEBURN: And Jamiroquai.
JACK: Yes sir?
SIDEBURN: If I'm not in a scene of completely gratuitous lap dancing in the next thirty seconds, I'll have your arse in a kebab. Right, where's that sod of a blackout?
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