ComedyCollective Writers Project
Robert Priest

Robert Priest

How To Swallow a Pig

Because of the shape of its face, a pig is actually one of the

easiest animals to swallow whole.*   Still, pig-swallowing is a

very difficult and potentially dangerous activity. If you have

advance notice, a certain amount of jaw-stretching and

lip-widening prior to the event is always helpful. Your greatest

enemy is self-doubt. You have to look at the pig's head and tell

yourself that you can do this. Once you have greased the pig,

begin by letting the fine tapered end of the snout proceed

through your lips. The first obstacle, if it is not the back of

your throat, will likely be your front teeth. Unfortunately these

will have to be broken off. This clears the way for the full

face-taper of the pig snout to zero in on your gullet. You have

to be thinking "outrage" when this begins to happen for it is

entirely violating and painful. But your throat can take it.

Allow the gorge to widen as though it were a fluid, thinner with

each stretch. You throat is a powerful python, infinitely elastic

and accommodating. Once the entire pig head has squeezed by your

gag reflex and entered your gorge you are fully committed. You

will not be able to vomit out the pig safely. Nor can you wait

long to continue, for at this time your trachea is entirely

blocked by the pig's head. You are unable to breathe. Do not

panic. Do not attempt to gasp or retch. Concentrate on

swallowing. Having the wideness of the pig's bulky shoulders in

your once narrow throat is perhaps the most violating thing you

will ever experience. But you can do this. Just tell yourself:

this is possible. Swallow and stretch. Keep your lower jaw loose

to prevent the bone from snapping at the hinge. Suck with your

guts. Use your lower diaphragm to draw the fat pig ever further

down the gullet. Let your thick and lucent saliva lubricate the

way. Saturating the pig with your juices will allow the celiated

gorge to usher the pig deeper and deeper into your being. You may

now need a friend with a stick to stuff in the pig's back end.

This is the most crucial period. You will have been without

oxygen for quite some time. You are probably blue in the face,

but if you can widen to your most extreme limit, your throat

cracking like wet bark, you will be able to slide your blue lips

over the bare buttocks and with the last kick of the back

trotters, the curl of the pig's tail will be gone. The entire pig

is in your throat. Your intestines are stretching. Peristalsis

has begun. The glottis is finally released and the first,

terrible new breath can come with a gasp. You've lived! You've

swallowed the whole pig. And now that it's entirely in your

stomach you have to ask yourself: Is this not a most familiar

feeling? Is this not the greatest feeling on earth?

*  It is also one of the easiest animals to shove up the anus. This

is not recommended for reasons of hygiene.

If you have Real Audio Video

(poem by RobertPriest]

The Unfortunate Genius and His 'Winkle'

ComedyCollective Writers Project